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A New Improved Me

      I have to say improved because that is the way I feel.  A real improvement.

What I write may not seem important but to me I know it is.

Ronnie used to have this Vietnam Hat which he wore all the time.  You saw him, you saw the hat.  He loved it.  Our son had brought it for him.

He would add  pins to it from time to time. 

I had put a hook on the inside of the living room door where we lived.  When Ronnie would come home that is where he would put the hat.  On the way out he would take it again.

When he had passed the hat was still hanging there. 

That is where it would stay.  All those years.  I feather dusted it every day. 

When I came here I would hang it on my coat rack. 

Did I ever give it a special thought.  Not really.  Did I ever think he would come back for it?  No of course not.  I just wanted it visible.

Yesterday while watching TV I looked over and saw it.  I had to wonder why.

Then I continued looking.  That is when I saw Angel Baby’s leash.

Why?  Is this a rack for my coats or a rack of death?

That is when I decided enough is enough.  I got up and removed the two of them.

I kept them.  I even asked my son today if he would like the hat.  He did buy it.  He took it.  I know not for the reasons I kept it. 

I put Angel’s leash away.  Certainly no need to walk her now. 

This may not seem like much but it is huge for me to do.

It is time now for me to rethink some other things but I will be back for that.

Always be kind to another.  You never know.

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A New Me (Part Three)

     It is now time for forgiveness.  I said no problem.  I already forgave everyone. 

     This is when she sat there looking at me like yes.  I could tell by her look she didn’t quite buy it.

     Then I said okay, not me.  I haven’t forgiven myself. 

     Then she looked somewhat satisfied but not completely.  She was still waiting.

     I sat there thinking.  Because of the way I have acted.  That was what she wanted.  She wanted me to come up with the answer. 

     The way I acted about Ronnie.  All the missed opportunities.  All that I missed right before my eyes. 

She was happy now.  She wanted me to get it and understand.  I finally did.  She even said she was proud of me.  Wow!  Don’t hear that too often. 

She said when we first started I didn’t even feel the need to talk with her.  Now I never shut up.  She said how far I had come.  She could see the different changes in me.

I could even feel the changes.  I was so happy about this. 

You see?  It’s been years since I forgave others.  For me, not them.  That gave me a sort of release.  But I always had hanging over me that I didn’t forgive myself.  I am still a work in progress. 

I am not only forgiving myself but working on the problem.   For the most part I have done this already.  Ronnie’s anniversary showed me this. 

     The problem I still have is blaming myself for what I think I did wrong.  For example, my daughter.  NO I did not do wrong there.  Don’t blame myself.  I did not do wrong to her or my granddaughter.  It is time she grows up and sees this. 

     I have to realize things are out of my hands.  I cannot control everything.  If I know in my own mind and heart I did not do wrong. I cannot give her the power to mess with me.  It is time for her to answer for herself and what she may be doing to my granddaughter.

It seems my granddaughter is believing her nonsense.  No mention from either one on Ronnie’s anniversary.  Why?  Is this right?  I don/t think so. I even had someone tell me not to let my daughter ruin the peace I am feeling.

NO MORE Almost did.  Like I said not giving her the power. 

She knows where I am.  My Granddaughter too. 

I sometimes feel hurt my granddaughter doesn’t keep in touch.  But once again not my fault. 

If its meant to be it will be. 

I will forgive myself now.  I will not blame myself any more.

I will be meeting with another therapist shortly.  I think this will be good. 

Oh I will still be my sort of crazy  Won’t stop that.

Please don’t think less of me for this but it will be a good thing.

Always be kind to another.  You just never know. 

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The New Me (Part Two)

Today is Ronnie’s ten year anniversary and I am okay.  Some minimal tears but nothing like it had been.

It is somewhat strange that I feel this sense of peace at this time.

I almost didn’t know what to write him on FB.  I am usually gloom and doom.  This had to be light.  I did post on Instagram.  That had to be light too.

I was telling someone how I am this time.  They were happy but jokingly said well he had two chances to get you recently.  You just said not this time and sent him Angel Baby instead.  That will do. 

I do have to say that therapist must have pulled off quite a miracle.  My outlook on death is so different. 

Even about Angel Baby I can handle it.  Oh sure a small tear from time to time comes through.  Nothing like what would have been.

I am still human.  But now I have a part of me that understands death and deals with it. 

I am starting to wonder now how healthy some of these grief sites are.  Sure at the beginning they are  somewhat necessary but when does that necessity change?

I have been seeing them lately and wondering why?  If I were to copy any of them, it would take me so far back.  How healthy is that?  For me, not very. 

I suppose the same goes for grief groups.  Some would not be good for me now. I guess it all. Dry eyes. 

This is all so new for me.  This peace.  Not quite sure what to do about it.

There was a time through the years I just gave up.  Didn’t care what I looked like.  Didn’t take care of myself at all.

Didn‘t even care about my weight.  I’m ashamed to say how big I had gotten.  I’m no where near that now and I am still losing.  I will tell you now how much but please don’t hold it against me.  Over 300 pounds.

There was a part of me that wondered what Ronnie would say.  Just didn’t care enough.

Knew I wanted no one else.     But you know what? 

Still want no one else.  The difference now?  Now I care.  I care about me.  I no longer want to be the biggest person somewhere.

Now I eat healthy.  Pounds are coming off because of that.    

I dress different.  Getting my hair cut.  Going to go get glasses. 

Finally being truer to myself

Still want no other.  Because now its my turn.  Time to see what I am about.  Oh basically the same.  Still nuts.

Now I am more open to others. 

I do have to add.  There were times I would ask my daughter about myself and she wouldn’t say.  Not blaming her but I feel had she been honest I would not have gotten that bad.  My being happy is not one of her top priorities.  I would say Do you think Daddy would recognize me now.  She would say of course.  Like I said not blaming her.  Bottom line, I was the one in charge.  But a little push from time to time would have done wonders.

But now I have the pleasure of seeing just how much better I will get.

Now if for nothing else it’s my health that I do it.

I will take a bit of a break now

Just remember..  Be good to yourself.  Be kind to others



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The New Me

      There were so many names I was going to give this one.  I guess this about says it.

My arm still isn’t 100% so I may write this in pieces. 

Where do I start?  Not sure.  So much to write.

I guess I will start the other night when I spoke with my brother.  He really did keep up with me this time while I was away  This made me happy.  Unusual for him.  Well I found out the reason for this.  Back in April he had a heart attack.  He is great now.  Better than I have heard him in years. 

We have always been able to talk but this was the best. 

What a pair we are.  (smile)  The thing is we both learned.  I can’t stress the importance of this fact. 

My brother was a recovering addict, but not so recovering.  He is now I am happy to say.  He learned so much.  Honestly he has had many second chances in his life, but this is the one that took. 

He said he will never take another day for granted.  He appreciates every day.  He too spoke with someone. 

It has been 34 years since our Mom passed.  A little more than a year since his Dad died.  He said he is finally able to handle the both of them.  He wishes he had done this years ago.

This now brings me to one of the reasons for this post.

Next week is Ronnie’s ten-year anniversary.  Am I a mess over it?  NO.  Finally.

Miss him?  Of course.  Love him?  Just as always.  But will this be a day I can handle?  YES.

I had always felt a part of me was missing.  Really?  What part?

There can be no empty part when  Ronnie left me with so many memories.  He is still always there. 

I have already accepted his passing.  But did I really to the fullest degree? 

He will always be my Everlasting Love.  No doubt about it. 

I know in my heart he will always be there to greet me. 

But finally now after all these years he can be at peace.  I am sure there is a big sigh of relief.  He’s got his family and all.  I am sure they have enough to do without me hanging on. 

Of course I won’t forget the anniversary but it is just that.  Hard to believe that much time has passed. 

That is ten years of my life I have to make up for.  So much has happened.  Good things, bad things, in between things. 

It’s funny my brother said somewhat of a closure isn’t it?  I am not sure that would be the right word.  Not sure what the word would be.

There are less tears for me right now.  This gives me peace.  First time I have felt this way at this point.

I will put up a picture.  I will play our song.  These are part of us.  But not all there is now to my life.  He will never be forgotten.  I know we will be together again when the time is right. 

I will come back to this.  Just taking a little rest. 

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2019…..Time For Me To Wakeup

     Well a new year is about to happen.  Finally time for me to wake up.

Yes part of it is about the therapist.  But plenty of it is about me. 

I have had more than enough time in the past several months to think.  And I did just that.

Okay I haven’t actually waited for 2019.  But why wait. 

Everything always points to me being honest with myself.  I wanted to, but it just always hurt so much.  Now I have to.

For the past four or so months I have done nothing but think.  Hurting too.  Seeing the real truth.

Unfortunately I have had to wake up about my daughter.  This hurts so much. 

One of the things that hurt is how her childishness has included my granddaughter.  She is using her like a pawn against me. 

She doesn’t realize how she is hurting her. 

I will start with today’s email and then work my way from there.

I have now been blamed for getting sick in the last six months and making my granddaughter sit through it suffering. 

According to my daughter there were times I almost died.

Died?  I don’t think so.  Might have been scary from time to time but nowhere near dying.  Why would she say this?  How scared my granddaughter was she said. 

Then she went on to say how much time they spent in the hospital.  I may have been out of it but I don’t forget.  All the time  she was  too busy to see me.  I will go into this in a bit.

Yeah getting sick was the highlight of my year.  Blaming me?  Did she honestly think this is what I wanted?  NO 

I thank God to be where I am now.  Yeah I will pray none of it happens again.  This is a year I would rather forget.

Yes I will say she took me when I needed  to go.  Honestly?  That is where it stopped.

Leading up to this time I will fill you in how little time she spent with me.  Not my fault.  I would practically beg her to spend time.  Always some excuse.

I don’t want this coming out wrong but now I have to sit and wonder why? 

The first time I was in the hospital is when I realized  how she blew me off.  She works a bit but nowhere like my son.  She would blame work and it wasn’t even close.  Most times she wouldn’t answer her text or her phone.  I was just left wondering what happened.

She did this many times.  Then the second time I was in the hospital was even worse.  Always had an excuse.  It was hard on her.  Really?

I did it for my Mom.  Hard?  She ended up dying.

I did it for my mother-in-law.  Hard?  Every day.  And she ended up dying. 

Not complaining.  It was the right thing to do. 

And I was hard?  I was in a good mood.  A big difference.  Not depressing at all.  My granddaughter would come.  I made her laugh.  No mention of that.

The worst day?  Christmas.  No sight of either one of them  no text either. 

This is what she drags my granddaughter into? 

No regard of how she gets along with the little ones. 

Now we were supposed to go visit Ronnie.  I know he isn’t there but wanted to stop by. 

I was told she got a wreath for Ronnie but honestly I doubt she did.  As for the past when she said to do something and she didn’t. 

I know I am sounding bad but the hurt goes too deep for so long. 

Oh the things promised and forgotten go on too long.

Presents aren’t important but don’t take such joy in saying you have nothing for me. 

As for my birthday.  Oh I got you nothing. 

I found out when my Angel Baby did die, she did nothing to help.  Did she not know how important she was to me?  Did she even care?  I’m strongly thinking no.

The lies never stop.  Doesn’t she want me to be happy?

I can no longer reach out to her.  No more excuses.    No more pretending to care. 

From time to time I will reach out to my granddaughter only.  I hate to think that  is over.  I’m guessing though she won’t answer so she doesn’t up set my daughter. 

Now she has even used Ronnie against me. 

I could go on  but I choose not to.  For the time being I will put the hurt in the past where it belongs.

I will now pay attention to those that do care.  My son, his wife and two little beauties.

I pray to you God for a good year.  No sickness.  No hurt.  Only fun and goodness.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year!


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