Damn Ego………..

     Ego.  What is that?  If you are like me, you might not really know.  But then again you might know the true answer.

I used to think it meant being full of yourself.  Couldn’t pass a mirror without looking.  Things along this line.

I figured I was the last one to have an ego.  Oh boy how wrong I was. 

Years back I had an Angel reading from Gary Frese.  How amazing.  I learned so much. 

I have a huge Ego.  That silent voice in your head that keeps putting you down.  Making you feel you can’t do something.  Well right now mine is not so quiet.

Mine right now will not shut up.  It is making me think too much again.

When I was seeing that therapist it seemed under control.  Its been months now since I saw her.

I am happy to say I may have found a new one.  I will start this Thursday. 

As far as Ronnie goes, I am still good there.  Everything else?  Not so good.

Doing my best to find the new me.  My ego won’t shut up.  Questions everything.

Makes me think just who do I think I am?  I am too old to start over. 

Once again I have that rational side of me.  Then the irrational side.  They are causing me conflict.

I am not feeling the same peace I was feeling a couple of months ago.  I find this upsetting.

Not as bad as I once was.  Just not as good as I know I can be.

I’m feeling the loss of my dog so much.  Even crying right now.  I haven’t been without a dog since 1995.  I am grateful I still have my cat.

I am hoping the therapist can help me with this. 

Even my body is killing me.  I think I pulled a muscle.  I have to remember I can’t do things the way I used to.  Oh overall I am good, just hurting a bit. 

Another thing my ego has me scared about.  Will I get sick again?  Now I know this isn’t the right way to think. 

I really don’t want to.  Doing everything I can do to avoid it. 

In bed at night I just lie thinking what if I get sick again?  Would I make it this time?  So unreal this nonsense is.

I am so hoping the therapist gets me back on the right track.  I cannot keep being this way.

Now I have my anger at my daughter.  The more I think about it I realize for quite some time she was working  towards this.  She just needed the right excuse.  Honestly I don’t care right now.  I am tired of being hurt by her.

What I do mind is that she uses my granddaughter.  Her I miss.  I pray for her.  What else can I do?

Yet something else I hope to get under better control.  My anger I mean.  So be it.  I would like to be able to say.  That is what she wants.  So be it.  And wash my hands of it.  Go on with my life.

OMG.  Let’s see.  I am going to have a huge list of what I want help with.

The main thing is getting this miserable ego of mine I would say in control.  No wait, not in control.  It already is in control.  I want to knock it out completely. 

I want to go back to the peace.  Back to thinking about my future.  No anger.  Back to thinking of better times. 

Writing this has helped me see the problem.  My damn ego.

I will say a prayer that this will help. 

Be kind to others.  Help someone.  You never know.  It can mean the world to them.