Who Am I??????

Posted on May 18, 2019 by LuLu

     Seriously I ask this question.  Sounds stupid but I am serious.  Just who the hell am I?  I have been through so many changes in the last few months.

Where do I even start?  I don’t even know the answer to that.

Since I was sick so much has changed.  I did start embracing Holidays.  That is good.  But the rest, I don’t even know if good or bad.  Maybe in between.

I was seeing that councelor who helped me realize to let Ronnie go.  That choice was good.  After that not so sure.

Is it okay to talk of Ronnie?  Does that mean I went back to the old feelings?  Can I still miss him?  Well this just doesn’t seem right.

Of course I still love him and miss him.  But I cant let those feelings take over my life now.   right?  I think so.  Not even sure about that answer.

Loneliness? Unbelievable!!!!!  Before I was actually content with myself  I knew I wanted no one else so I wasn’t looking.  Now I know differently.  I would like a companion and I am looking.  Now I feel the loneliness like never before.

Guess what though.  I am no longer 19 as I was when meeting Ronnie.  Not so very easy this time.

Physically not the same anymore.  Walk with a cane now.  Stomach looks like a road map with all the scars.  And now I am so slow.  Oh yes.  So appealing.

I take my walks.  When taking a long walk I use my walker.  Feel safer doing that for balance.  I’ve been taking longer walks now  what used to take under van hour now takes about two hours. Oh I’m a fine specimen.

  This is the first time I have written in a while.  I wanted to but couldn’t.  I wanted to write a poem but there doesn’t seem to be one.  They use to come to me so easily.  Not now.

Now the same things don’t interest me any more TV sucks.  Just had to say that.  Hardly keeps my interest at all.  Still like reading.  my eyes get so tired now.

My diet?  Still eating healthy.  Now here’s the thing. am I?  A Vegan?  A vegetarian? Will eat anything.  I do have to say Vegan is really starting to take over.  Vegan Recipes and all.  And dare I say?  TOFU  Yes tofu.  I make un chicken nuggets.  And I love them.  Fruit and vegetables make me happy.  I even eat avocado now.  Salt free broths and all.  I even had a tofurkey sandwich.  oh boy.

I do still have chicken from time to time.  ground turkey too.  lot more fish I eat now. 

So many changes now.  Taste in clothing has changed. 

I love the Bohemian style.  I decorate with that.  Still loving my plants and flowers.  Still loving Patchoulli.  Still loving my crystals. 

Love nature.  Love the moon.  Still loving the birds and squirrels.  I still have my cat  Love her but get worried because she is getting up there a bit.

Still haven’t heard from my granddaughter.  She and my daughter missed Christmas, Easter, and Mothers Day.  Nothing.  Different people have passed and I had their anniversaries.  Still nothing.  Dissappointed?  You bet.  Not in my daughter but my granddaughter.  I would never have expected this behavior from her.  But what can I do?  I say a prayer for them and so be it.

I have gotten in touch with a few that I haven’t in a while  That makes me happy.

My arm is getting tired again.  So like I asked just who the hell am I?

I m lonely and wondering.  Maybe I will get the answer at some point

Always be kind.

 

About LuLu

I started this blog after it was strongly suggested by a friend. How happy I am that I did. It started out as my journey of grief. Much has changed since that time. I have changed in recent months After my stroke, which was a blessing in disguise, I realized life is too short. I finally put myself out there Even dated. About time. There may be times that grief does still hit but nothing like it did that is why this blog is about anything and everything. I still am not professional. I write from my heart still My writing is still raw and pure I am even going to change the picture Now instead of Boombah I am LuLu lol I joke with this name and others have liked it lol So I will carry on now and keep writing I hope I can inspire even one person Always remember kindness For yourselves as well as others
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2 Responses to Who Am I??????

  1. Debbie Balderas says:
    May 18, 2019 at 1:59 pm

    Dear friend, you are still the sweet person you’ve always been. I used to believe that when I grew older I would have the answers to all of my questions. That I’d know who I really was…Now that I’m older I feel like I’ll be learning new things about myself until the day I die.
    Enjoy yourself and always do what pleases you. I too, love the bohemian style! You’re very pretty, Diane. I’m positive you’ll find a companion. You just need to get out there and meet people. Maybe you can start going to new places and get to know new people. Go to a coffee shop and read a book. Go to the library or find group activities like playing bingo, where you can make new friends.
    As for your daughter and granddaughter, that’s very sad to hear. Perhaps you’ll just have to wait for them to come around. It’s not easy, but it sounds like it’s out of your hands.
    Sending love, light and (((hugs))) to you my dear long distance friend. 💗

    Reply

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