Too Much at Once

     Starting with Memorial Day it will be one event after another for close to a month.  Including one milestone.  Don’t look ahead they say.  Right.  Still after all these years I haven’t found out how not to. 

It all starts with Memorial Day.  If you have read my past posts, you know then how much that day meant to Ronnie and I.   Ronnie being a veteran.  Parades.  Ronnie marching.  Kids marching.  Then grandchild marching.  Barbeques with friends and family.  We laughed.  We had fun.  Our place was small, but crammed with friends and family.  Food all day. 

Then comes Ronnie’s 69th birthday.  That is so hard to even picture.  He was 61 when he passed.  We were always a simple couple.  He never demanded anything big for his birthday.  I would bake him a cake.  One year back in the beginning I did throw him a surprise party.  I actually pulled it off.  He was grateful for whatever we did. 

Next is Father’s Day.  Ronnie was a good father.  He did his best.  Often he was afraid he wasn’t doing enough, but I know he did all that he could.  We didn’t have a big home, newest of cars, or vacations.  But he was there for the kids.  He was a hard worker and provided well for his family.  We had a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and clothes on our back.  Most of all, he gave love.  He then went on to become an amazing Papa.  How he loved our granddaughter.  Ronnie would have been in his glory with our two newest grandchildren. 

Coming up after Father’s Day is our granddaughter’s graduation from sixth grade.  She will be the third generation of our family to graduate from that school.  I did, our kids did, and now her.  Ronnie was such a part of her earlier school days.  He would take her back and forth to pre-school.  He would attend all events.  When he passed, one of her teachers said she had never seen a Grandfather so involved.  He would bring her flowers after her concerts or little shows they would put on.  He loved doing it.  He loved when they had show and tell.  Whatever was brought in had to begin with the letter of the day.  The two of them would go rummaging around to find something to take in.  I think he had more fun than she did doing it (smile).  Ronnie was already gone when she graduated from pre-school.  Cap and gown.  The whole route they did.  I am already anxious about the upcoming event.  Ronnie should be next to me sitting shoulder to shoulder like we always did.  I need him there.  It is events of this sort that only deepen the knife in my heart. 

The close of all these events will be our grandson’s third birthday.  Ronnie would have just loved this little guy.  I know he still does.  I can just picture in my mind how they would have gone fishing.  Ronnie loved fishing with the kids and me also.  They wouldn’t always catch something at the earlier ages.  They had their own little poles.  Sometimes a rock would get tangled in some seaweed.  We used to tell them they caught a rock fish.  They were so happy about that.  One of them even swore it bit them.  (smile)  Simple times.  That was what it was all about. 

Sadly I haven’t been bouncing back as much from each event anymore.  It is all starting to blur and become one long heartache.  I am not sure what is going on anymore with me.  Depression and anxiety have become unwelcome companions lately.  I have come so far but now I fear I can’t go further in my healing.  I don’t think it is just any one thing.  More like a pile of things adding up.

Stress is one huge factor in it.  That I know.  Endless, needless drama is also another factor.  I’m tired.  I’m worn.  Since a young child, I have been fighting an uphill battle to get through life.  Maybe my age has something to do with it.  My physical pain is getting worse each day.  Getting harder for me to always remain strong. 

I know all the right things to do and say to make myself better, but I don’t know how to make them work.  Each time I get myself to a place where I think it is okay, the other shoe always drops.  Many pairs of shoes have dropped already.  So to speak. 

I don’t like being negative.  Yet that is what I am going through right now.  I am being honest.  I am not going to paint a rosy picture when it doesn’t exist right now for me.  My faith still remains strong and that is what gets me through each day.  I am doing my best to keep believing in tomorrow.  Not always easy though.  I will keep praying to God for strength. 

I am not going to apologize for being honest about myself, but I will apologize for writing a gloomy post.  I do my best to put positive out there and right now I just don’t have it in me. 

Be kind and gentle to yourselves.  With others also.  You never know what they are going through and hiding behind those smiles. 

Hugs to each of you.  May God Bless.